Chapter 1: The Headline That Should Come With a Laugh Track
So, the Social Security Administration proudly announces a 2.8% cost-of-living adjustment for 2026. Cue the confetti, pop the sparkling prune juice, and let the bureaucrats pat themselves on the back.
A whole $56 a month! Wow. Don’t spend it all in one place, folks — unless that place is the grocery store, because that’s about what your milk, bread, and eggs went up by since Tuesday.
And they call it a “raise.”
It’s not a raise. It’s a reimbursement for being alive in a system that’s trying to kill you slowly.
Chapter 2: Inflation’s Evil Twin — The COLA Delusion
They love to say this COLA “helps retirees keep pace with inflation.” Yeah, and a tricycle helps you keep up with a Formula One car.
Inflation already sprinted past you last year. You’re just getting a participation ribbon. The government waits a year to calculate how much prices rose, then tosses you a few crumbs while rent, gas, and insurance dance the cha-cha on your wallet.
And the bureaucrats announce it like they’ve done something heroic. “The COLA will increase average benefits by $56 a month!”
Oh, fantastic — that’ll just about cover one tank of gas or half a prescription refill.
They act like they’re Santa Claus, but they’re really the Grinch with a calculator.
Chapter 3: $56 — The Economic Joke That Writes Itself
Let’s put this “raise” in perspective.
The average monthly benefit goes from $2,015 to $2,071. You get $56 more, but your Medicare Part B premium goes up $21.50, your homeowner’s insurance climbs 8%, and your utilities are now high enough to make you consider heating your home with rage.
That’s not a raise; it’s a transfer of misery.
They give you a dollar with one hand and take two with the other, then tell you to thank them for “protecting seniors.”
And then the talking heads on TV — you know, the ones who still think eggs cost $1.99 a dozen — start chirping about “a sign the economy is stabilizing.” Yeah, stabilizing in the same way a heart monitor flatlines.
Chapter 4: Bureaucratic Math and the “CPI-W” Scam
You know what they use to calculate this magical COLA? Something called the Consumer Price Index for Urban Wage Earners and Clerical Workers (CPI-W).
Let me translate that for you: they’re using a metric that doesn’t even represent retirees.
It measures prices for people who still work — not the folks who are out here trying to make ramen stretch until the next direct deposit hits.
They’re tracking “transportation” costs for commuters while half of you are praying your 2008 Buick makes it to the pharmacy. They’re factoring in “clothing trends” while you’re still wearing jeans that remember Bush Senior.
It’s like calculating how much food a bear needs based on what a hummingbird eats. And when they’re done, they hand you 2.8% and expect applause.
Chapter 5: Lucy from Florida and the Gospel of Reality
Take Lucy Haverfield — 72 years old, living in Florida, surviving on her Social Security check like millions of others. Her insurance costs $4,000 a year, utilities $300 a month, and the grocery store has started charging her emotional damages just for entering.
Lucy says, “I appreciate that they’re doing something.”
You can hear the exhaustion in her voice. Because Lucy knows this “something” won’t touch the “everything” that’s broken.
We’ve got millions of Lucys out there — polite, grateful, stretched to the breaking point — while the system throws breadcrumbs and calls it policy.
And you know what? Lucy doesn’t need appreciation. She needs a government that isn’t pretending to be surprised that life costs money.
Chapter 6: The Real Inflation — Not the Kind on Spreadsheets
Oh, inflation’s down to 2.9%, they say. Really? Try telling that to your home insurance, your Medicare premium, or the guy at the pharmacy counter who now sells pills by the pill because no one can afford the whole bottle.
Older Americans spend more on the things that inflate faster — housing, utilities, healthcare. But the COLA uses averages that include things you don’t even buy anymore, like work clothes or commuter passes.
You’re not out here buying bus tickets; you’re trying to buy time.
And you know what’s inflating faster than anything? Excuses. Politicians’ excuses grow 10% annually, compounded by smugness and a total lack of shame.
Chapter 7: Medicare — The Pickpocket in a Lab Coat
Let’s talk about Medicare. The Part B premium goes up 11.6% next year, to $206.50 a month. Eleven percent!
Your benefit goes up 2.8%. See how that works?
It’s like a casino rigged against retirees. You might win a hand, but the house always collects the pot.
They take the increase right out of your check, so you never even see it. You open your statement and go, “Didn’t they say I was getting more money?”
Sure — they said it. They just didn’t mean you’d get to keep it.
Chapter 8: The $2.7 Trillion Elephant in the Room
Social Security has a $2.7 trillion trust fund, but it’s shrinking because outflows exceed inflows. They tell you not to worry — the fund will last until 2034.
You know what that means?
It means they’re planning your panic 10 years in advance.
“Don’t worry, we’ll fix it before then,” they say. That’s politician talk for “we’ll argue about it until it’s too late, then blame the other party.”
Meanwhile, the same Congress that can’t balance a checkbook is giving itself raises, subsidizing corporations, and calling seniors “entitlements.”
You paid into this system your whole life — it’s not a handout. It’s a refund. You prepaid for your retirement. The government’s just bad at math and worse at honesty.
Chapter 9: AARP’s Cheerleading Routine
Now, don’t get me wrong — AARP means well. They write nice press releases about “fighting for seniors.” They use phrases like “protecting COLA from cuts” and “working in a bipartisan way.”
But have you noticed that every year, despite their “fight,” the raise barely beats the price of coffee?
It’s like watching a football team that keeps celebrating field goals while losing the game.
Sure, they’re “fighting.” But who’s winning? Certainly not the people paying $18 for a box of cereal and calling it dinner.
AARP’s tone is always so polite — “We’re committed to ensuring financial stability.” Translation: “We’re politely shouting into a void while Congress is on vacation.”
Chapter 10: Tariffs, Trickery, and the Cost of Everything
Oh, and just to add insult to injury, the same politicians jacking up tariffs are the ones pretending to fight inflation.
The tariffs make everything more expensive — cars, construction materials, toys, probably even the coffin you’ll be buried in. And now the Supreme Court gets to decide whether your next refrigerator will cost $200 more because of “policy.”
This economy’s like a bad sitcom — every new character makes the plot worse.
Chapter 11: “Rising Home Insurance Costs Are Particularly Hard on Older Adults”
No kidding!
It’s not like you can just go get a second job bagging groceries at 72. Your back hurts, your knees sound like popcorn, and your resume says “retired.”
You did everything right — paid off the mortgage, lived modestly, saved where you could — and now the insurance companies are basically saying, “Congrats, you own your house! Shame if something… happened to it.”
And these are the same politicians who scream “socialism!” whenever someone suggests capping prices or regulating companies that keep wringing retirees dry.
Chapter 12: The COLA Charade, Year After Year
Here’s the pattern:
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Inflation jumps.
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People panic.
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Government waits a year.
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COLA goes up a smidge.
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Everyone pretends the problem’s solved.
Then we start over.
It’s like being stuck in a bad marriage with capitalism — you keep hoping it’ll change, but it keeps buying boats with your savings.
They’ll tell you this 2.8% bump is the “largest in years.” You know what that really means? It’s the least insulting in years.
Chapter 13: The Big Picture (Spoiler: It’s Ugly)
This isn’t about math. It’s about morality.
You can measure the soul of a society by how it treats its elders. And right now, America’s looking like a soulless accountant with a calculator and a smirk.
Seniors built the infrastructure, fought the wars, raised the families, paid the taxes — and now they’re told they’re “a burden” for wanting to buy groceries without a coupon apocalypse.
The COLA isn’t generosity. It’s the bare minimum required to stop a full-scale rebellion at the pharmacy counter.
Chapter 14: The Carlin Conclusion
If George Carlin were alive today, he’d say:
“The system isn’t broken. It’s working exactly as designed — to keep the rich comfortable, the poor invisible, and everyone over 65 grateful for scraps. You’re not getting a cost-of-living adjustment. You’re getting a cost-of-tolerating adjustment. Congratulations — you’ve survived another year of capitalism. Here’s your $56.”
And that’s the punchline.
Not because it’s funny — but because it’s true.
Epilogue: Your Reward for Playing Along
The COLA will go into effect in January. You’ll get your $56 and maybe smile for a second. But by February, the electric company, your insurance provider, and the grocery store will have already claimed it like vultures circling your direct deposit.
So what’s left? The same thing that’s always left — grit, humor, and a well-earned right to call BS when you see it.
Because at the end of the day, Social Security isn’t just a paycheck — it’s a promise.
And a 2.8% raise for surviving inflation?
That’s not a promise kept. That’s an IOU written in disappearing ink.
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